


Through the bard´s eyes

by Frostychi



Series: Through their eyes [1]
Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Emotional Hurt, Emotionally Constipated Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Hurt Jaskier | Dandelion, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Minor Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg, Past Child Abuse, Post-Episode: S01E06 Rare Species, Sad, Unrequited Love, is it tho?, not really comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:35:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26158906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frostychi/pseuds/Frostychi
Summary: "If life could give me one blessing, it would be to take you of my hands!"Jaskiers thoughts during his walk down the mountain after those fateful words.If only he could have been enough.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia & Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Series: Through their eyes [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1992091
Comments: 28
Kudos: 202





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So. I haven´t written anything in years...not sure if I still know how to do this.  
> I know this isn´t an original idea but it has been stuck in my head for some time. So I thought I could just get it out now.  
> I am also thinking about writing Geralts POV and a "reunion" part after this...but well...we´ll see!  
> Please note that english is not my first language. I tried to do my best tho.

Jaskier isn´t sure why he is still surprised.

He was always inadequate. He was never just enough. He knew that.

His father made sure to sear this into his brain. He remembered all the times he was too loud or not refined enough for his fathers’ taste.

 _“I don´t like doing this Julian.”_ His father would say, _“But you are making me do this. You and your inadequate behavior is making me do this. You have only yourself to blame for this.”_ He would say as he was whipping his belt at Jaskier´s back. Not caring about Jaskier´s pain or that he was crying. _  
“I just want you to behave, Julian.”_

Jaskier started to stumble, as he was walking down the mountain. This cursed mountain.

_“Why are you unable to act like a true noble, Julian?”_

_“Why can you not be silent for five minutes, Julian?”_

_“Why is it whenever I find myself in a pile of shit these days, it's you **shoveling** it?”_

Jaskier lost his balance with his last thought. Falling forward, catching himself on his hands and knees. His lute heavy on his back. Taking heavy breaths and trying to swallow his despair.

After a minute he slowly sat up, sinking down onto his knees. He looked up into the sky. Swallowing. This wasn´t fair. He just wanted to be enough.

The bard got back up onto his feet, making sure his lute was secured around his back. He started to walk again. More slowly this time.

His time at Oxenfurt was a blessing. For once, Jaskier was not hated. He was _understood_. Though the people in Oxenfurt would be sure to remind him whenever he was not acting noble enough for a man of his standing. But he didn´t mind then. He didn´t have his fathers` presence to worry about.

He made sure to keep his behavior mostly in check and to keep his grades up. So long as the professors were happy, they wouldn´t have a need to contact his father. Not that that stopped his father when Jaskier came home every once in a while, for appearances sake. He would find something to be unhappy about then. So Jaskier waited for the right moment to leave. To leave all this behind and find a person for whom he would be enough.

He thought he had all this when he found his dear Countess de Stael. He could ignore the people cursing him. He could ignore them throwing bread at him, could ignore the harsh reality that live was not exactly better outside of his fathers’ reach.

And he did his best. He tried to be enough. He tried to make her happy, to keep singing and to fulfill her heart with all the love of the world.

But it wasn´t enough. It was never enough.

She would invite him to her home, he would be staying there for some months, always thinking: “This time, it will be enough!”

He fooled himself every goddamn time.

But then **it** happened. And Jaskier thought he finally found someone who fully understood him.

It wasn´t an instant reaction, it wasn´t love at first sight. It took years. But once he realized he was falling, he kept falling faster. And for once, live was…worth really living.

He remembered it like it was yesterday. The witcher brooding in the corner. The stale bread he had in his pants. And the glorious song he wrote after their first adventure.

He didn´t actually think Geralt would let him tag along for such a long time…let him be part of Geralt’s life for so long. Well, Jaskier guessed, it probably wasn´t all that long for Geralt. What are twenty years in the life of someone who will keep on living. But for Jaskier….for Jaskier those twenty something years were the best.

The bard was getting slower with his walking, sunken in memories. Trying to loosen the heavy feeling in his chest.

It actually wasn´t until the Djin that Jaskier figured out how he felt. He just thought of Geralt as his best friend. The one friend who understood him. The one for whom he was enough.

Jaskier smiled at the thought. Those were the simpler times.

But then the Djin showed him how it really was. Geralt calling his voice and songs a “filling less pie” was actually just the start of his troubles. While that had hurt, he knew Geralt was just saying it because Jaskier was being annoying and Geralt was tired.

But what happened after..was not so easy to forget.

The worst part wasn´t even the swollen throat or not being able to breath. No, the worst part was seeing Geralt with that woman.

Jaskier stopped. The smile gone from his face as fast as it came. He looked at the ground. Feeling how his heart grew heavy again. How his breathing became harder. He swallowed.

Seeing Geralt with Yennefer was…difficult. At first, he was just so happy that Geralt was okay. But as soon as the realization what Geralt was doing set in, he was heartbroken. He tried not to let it show…he tried to be a good friend. But it was not as easy as he hoped.

The only blessing was that Yennefer didn´t appear often. So Jaskier could pretend. Pretend the world was okay- and that he had a _chance_!

And it was enough. For all those shitty moments they had. It was enough. Jaskier felt happiest while being on the road with Geralt. Even if it was not a luxurious life. It was enough. Jaskier was enough.

Or apparently…he wasn´t.

Jaskier´s lips began to quiver. He hiccupped. Biting down on his lip, he tried to get his emotions under control. This was not the right place to fall apart. The bard slowly crouched down. Arms crossed over his knees; face pressed into them. He took a deep breath.

He spent twenty years of his life with the person he loved- it was a good life. He doesn´t need to be so depressed. Even if said person just threw his feeling back into his face. Even if said person apparently didn´t like his presence at least one bit-

A sob left Jaskier.

He just wanted to be enough.

_“If life could give me one blessing, it would be to take **you** of my hands!”_

And just like that, it felt like Jaskier got hit by an emotional tidal wave. The words echoing inside his head, his tears finally falling. Sob after sob left Jaskier. He felt hopless. And so so _useless._

Jaskier rocked himself back and forth, trying to calm himself, to stop the tears drenching his sleeves. And to imagine…he thought he could get Geralt to accompany him to the coast. To settle. Just for a while. How stupid could he be? To think that would happen? He just thought he would be enough to make Geralt happy for a little while. Of course, he was wrong.

It took quite a bit of time for his tears to dry and for his sobs to recede. But then the bard picked himself up. He rightened his doublet, made sure his cheeks were dry and started walking.

This wasn´t the first time he wasn´t wanted. This wasn´t the first time his heart was broken. Although…it was never broken this bad before. But Jaskier would be fine. This is what he did. He picked up the pieces and put himself back together. It would take time. It always did. But he stood stronger after everything.

In the meantime, he would make his way to Oxenfurt. He was sure the school would be more than happy to give him a less temporary teaching schedule. And once he was less in pieces, he would travel again. And maybe, if destiny was kind, he would meet Geralt again. And maybe then, he would be strong enough to give him a piece of his mind. Because even if he wasn´t enough, he deserved more than Geralt gave him.

He was sure of that much.


	2. The journey continues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaskier´s journey to Oxenfurt continues. His heart repairs itself a bit and he gets a nice companion.

Things were not going as well as Jaskier would like.

It seemed like re-arranging the broken pieces of his heart would be a harder endeavor than he expected. He would have thought that two weeks on the road to Oxenfurt would have fixed it more. But his writers block was going strong and he couldn´t bring himself to sing “Toss a coin” if he didn´t have too. That song always left him feeling empty afterwards.

He noticed that in the first Tavern he came to after he had two more breakdowns and had left the Kestrel Mountains behind.  
Now he didn´t think Barefield would have any kind of big city (he hadn´t been to Barefield before either, so he didn´t know the best spots) but Jaskier was pleasantly surprised by the Inn he found in the first settlement he came across.

They had quite the delicious food, and apparently harvest had been well, so the people were cheery and happy to drink in the evening.

So even though the Bard had enough money saved to get on for a while, he still decided to play and earn his keep. After all, a free room and free food is, well, free!

The first evening everything went swimmingly. He kept himself from singing any of the songs he wrote for Geralt and managed to keep the crowd happy. But on the second day, after he had a few pints himself, he thought it would be a good idea to play “Toss a coin”. It went well at first. But Jaskier noticed how his throat got tighter after the first refrain. In the end he had to stop because he started bawling his eyes out and gasping for breath. So, there he sat, crying, while a worried barmaid kept patting his head and tried to get him to drink some warm milk.

After he managed to calm himself, Jaskier managed to fabricate a story about how the song triggered his awful memories of a robbery gone wrong and how a Witcher saved him by a hair´s breadth. And it seems like he couldn´t even sing about the Witcher without having trouble breathing because it invoked a panic in his chest. (Only Jaskier would be stupid enough to try and better the Witchers reputation, even if said Witcher was the cause for his breakdowns.)

Luckily enough, the townspeople accepted the story and in the earlier evenings, children would even come to him and ask him to tell of his adventures on the road.

From the third evening on, Jaskier only played songs that had nothing to do with Witchers. Though it limited his self-written song supply, he didn´t want to risk another breakdown. And he could still feel it bubbling in his chest. The self-pity, the hurt, the pain….and the love.

Try as he might….Jaskier wasn´t able to let go of the love he felt for Geralt. It didn´t really surprise him. He never stopped loving. He never stopped loving his father, even when he kept beating him black and blue. Jaskier just knew when enough was enough and when just giving wasn´t enough anymore.

Jaskier stayed at the Inn for two more days. Relaxing, sleeping and eating well, buying new things for the road. He decided to get himself a new bedroll, since he wasn´t sure if his old one was still intact enough to be called a _bedroll_.

After five days, Jaskier had enough of wallowing in his sadness. He decided he needed to get going, if he wanted to leave this chapter of his life behind. Jaskier also got himself a thick cloak, lined with fur.

It was very soft and oh so warm. He spent quite a bit of coin on it….but since he would not be travelling with Geralt again, he´d need the warmth it could give.

As nice as the cloak was, it still managed to send his thoughts swirling back to all that would change, now that Geralt wasn´t around anymore. It was a slow day for Jaskier after that. Only at night, while putting away his new things, was he finally overwhelmed with it all again. Having another breakdown was not how he wanted his last night at the inn to go, but here he was. Holding the new cloak close and trying to forget how nice Geralt´s coat smelled and how warm it was when they sat by a campfire.

He spent the rest of the night on his bed, cuddling his cloak, crying himself to sleep.

In the next morning, Jaskier was too emotionally exhausted to actually feel frustrated at the falling rain outside the building. As much as the bard just wanted to leave, he knew starting his journey again, when the rain was falling this hard, would be a bad idea.

So, he asked the Innkeeper if he could prolong his stay until the weather cleared up. He pretended not to feel the worried eyes of said Innkeep on his back, after he got his permission to keep the room. He was also trying to ignore the bigger portion of stew the barmaid brought him in the evening. He must have been a sorry sight if strangers were this worried about him.

That night, he wasn´t able to touch his lute.

The day after was better. Jaskier felt lighter. As if all the sorrow had fallen of his tired shoulders. The rain was already getting lighter too. And in the evening, he was able to play. He sang. He danced. He entertained. And for that moment, everything was as it should be.

And Jaskier found enough resolve in himself to fix his broken heart some more. It wouldn´t be easy. But he would be fine. He would still hurt. But he would also remember the memories with Geralt fondly. Because they were still good memories to him. Some of them were the best he had. And Jaskier refused to regret the longest friendship he had in his life. Even if said friend tore him apart.

On the seventh day in the small village, the weather cleared up. Jaskier made sure to thank the Innkeeper for all he did, made sure he was all packed up and started walking.

He still had a long way to go before he got to Oxenfurt.

-.-.-.-.-

So here he was. Three weeks into his travels. And in a situation, he would not have seen coming.

He managed to find a nice little alcove between a cliff and some trees last night, so that is where Jaskier made camp. He just didn´t expect to wake up to a black Horse with a white mane lying right next to him.

At first, Jaskier was so stunned he couldn´t move.

After some time of just watching the horse, and the horse watching him, Jaskier decided to ignore it and just went on with packing up and eating some bread he still had left over from the last town.

The bard kept an eye on the horse, not wanting to entice her (No, he would not check. He would just assume) wrath or do anything that made her aggressive. So, while he was packing away, the horse stood up and started to walk around a bit, until she stopped under a tree and began nipping at the fresh grass growing between the roots.

Jaskier wasn´t sure what to make of the horse…and also not sure how to handle the situation. He never imagined waking up to a random horse. And he woke up to many weird things in his life. This was, admittedly, the most confusing morning he´d had in a while.

He decided then, that the best course of action would be, to ignore the horse completely. The horse was none of his concern. He didn´t want to waste precious travelling time searching for her owner.

So as soon as Jaskier was completely packed up, he started to walk. Going south, towards the road he left last evening.

At first, he really didn´t take notice of the rustling behind him. And it took him almost ten minutes of walking to find the constant noise odd. Jaskier turned around mid-step, hand reaching towards the dagger he had hidden in his boot. But he stopped short as he saw what seemed to be causing the constant noise. Apparently, the black horse had decided to follow him and was now standing just a few steps away.

‘ _What_?’

Jaskier took a step back and kept his eyes on the horse. As soon as he moved, the horse did as well, taking a step towards Jaskier. The bard decided to try again and took two steps back and sure enough, the horse followed.

Coming to a stop Jaskier let out a confused hum.

“And what does a beauty like you want with a bard like me, hmm?” he asked. Not really expecting an answer.

The horse nickered slightly and took some more steps towards him, bumping her snout into his chest. Jaskier´s hands automatically moved up to cradle her snout and he began to pet her slightly, still cautious.

 _‘Maybe I´m still dreaming’_ , Jaskier thought. ‘ _Or I´m finally going crazy. It was only a matter of time.’_

But no matter how hard Jaskier tried to wake up, or blink, the horse didn´t disappear.

So Jaskier took one of his last apples out of his satchel and held it out for the horse to eat. The black horse began sniffing at the apple before eating it. She seemed to be careful, as if she didn´t want to nick Jaskier´s fingers while eating. But maybe that was just Jaskier´s imagination.

As the horse ate, the bard started to shift away again, waiting to see what would happen. But the horse did nothing.

 _“Maybe she was only able to smell the apple?”_ Jaskier really wasn´t sure how to deal with this. He started to walk away anyway. He wasn´t sure if he would even be able to keep a horse. Nevermind a wild one.

It seemed like the universe thought he could. Because as soon as he was at a few steps distance, he heard the rustling again. And sure enough, a look back showed him the black horse walking a few paces behind him. The bard was unsure how to proceed with this, so he just kept walking, occasionally glancing back to see if the animal was still there.

And just like that, Jaskier found a new companion. Because the horse wouldn´t leave. She kept following him and Jaskier didn´t have the heart to try and shoo her away. (He also really missed having someone to talk to, so he wasn´t really trying hard to get her to leave him alone)

Once he got to a small town with an inn, he thought that would be it. The horse would be gone by the next morning. But even though he spent the night playing and sleeping in the tavern, when he was ready to get on with his journey the next day, the black horse was waiting right at the village entrance for him.

And that was the day Jaskier decided to “keep” the horse. (More like she kept him…but you know).

The bard didn´t know if he would actually be able to ride her, but he got a thick blanket and a bridle for her. She seemed to really appreciate the blanket, if the sniffing at his head and affectionally bumping her snout into his shoulder was any sign.

He didn´t try to put the bridle on right that moment. He wanted to see if he could get her to relax in the evening and if she would let him. If she didn´t, that would be fine as well. Then Jaskier would have to see if he could get something akin to a collar made for her. Since people where going to ignore a horse easier if it had a “sign of ownership”. Though the bard was still one hundred percent sure the horse owned him and not the other way around.

So, when he built the camp that night, he made sure there was enough space for the horse to lie down. He built a small fire and began strumming away at his lute, trying to compose a new song. Even if he hadn´t been able to for the last few weeks. Maybe today was the day he would get over his writers block.

After a while of his playing, the black mare did exactly as she did every night. She lay down behind him and kept snuffling at his hair.

“I can tell you, oh beautiful one, being a bard is not easy.” Jaskier said. “Especially not if you are a bard with writers block. And you know. It´s all Geralt´s fault.”

The horse nickered a bit.

“You actually remind me a bit of him. Not the personality of course. You are a wonderful creature. But Geralt. Geralt was a bastard, you know? Always making it hard for me to follow him. Never talking to me. Always being like: Jaskier you can´t go there or Jaskier you can´t eat that.” The bard ranted. Doing his best to impersonate Geralt´s voice while talking.

“And he would always look out for me. Give me the thicker blanket. Make sure I ate the bigger portion when we were travelling. Always making sure I was okay…” he trailed of.

He didn´t even notice, but it seemed while he was ranting, he actually leant backwards into the black mares’ body. She didn´t seem to mind, still occasionally sniffing at him and then going back to munching on the grass beside her.

“….I really miss him, you know?”

“Even if he was a mean, hard headed, stubborn witcher.”

Jaskier fell silent for a while. The steady heartbeat of the mare soothing his frazzled nerves. He was getting better with dealing with the hurt. And the horse was helping.

“Oh! You know, I still haven´t named you! I can´t keep calling a beauty like you “horse” can I. And I actually got the perfect name for you. Geralt would hate it!”

“I´ll call you Cáerme. It means destiny in elder. The thing Geralt hates the most.”

“And even if your white mane matches his hair, you are such a sweetheart. And I feel it was destiny that brought you to meet me!”

Jaskier snuggled into Cáermes´ side, petting her soft coat.

“You are the best thing that happened to me in a long while you know? I am really glad you didn´t leave me like I wanted you to at the beginning.”

The bard was sure he could fall asleep like this. But he wanted to see if he could get the bridle on first. He was glad he was able to get one without the bit, because he didn´t think Cáerme would approve of that and he hoped that the bridle itself would discourage people from trying to steal her….even if he didn´t think that Cáerme would let anybody she didn´t like near her. She bit the one man that got to close to her in the last village.

Jaskier was a bit nervous with this, but there would be no use in not at least trying. The bard shuffled forward a bit and began talking while putting the bridle around the mare´s head.

“If you´d like, I could get you a really nice bridle in the next town. And I´ll be sure to pick some flowers on the way. We could braid those into it! I am sure that would look really nice on you!!

It seemed like his nerves were completely unfounded. The horse accepted the bridle without any issues. Nickering softly at him every once in a while. Jaskier was a bit stunned, if he was being honest. And very moved too.

He left the bridle for a bit, just to see if Cáerme was comfortable enough and then he removed it again. She didn´t need one in the night, after all. He would put it on again tomorrow.

Jaskier made himself comfy again, patting the mare´s side a bit, softly singing to himself.

He really was getting better. And if they kept the pace, they would arrive in Oxenfurt in a weeks’ time. He would stay there for a while. Maybe he would get the urge to go adventuring again after a while- but for now, he would be happy to settle for a bit.

And he wouldn´t have to worry about Geralt in Oxenfurt. Geralt knew Jaskier would spend the winter there, like he did every year. So Jaskier was sure Geralt would avoid Oxenfurt at all costs. The bard would be fine there. He would heal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the long wait. I am a slow writer.  
> I am thinking of turning this into a series, since the next part would be Geralt´s part...but first I need to figure out how this whole series thing works.  
> If I can´t figure it out, I will just keep posting the chapters here.  
> I hope the update was worth the wait!  
> See you next time.
> 
> PS: Not beta read.

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo...I hope you liked it?  
> Feedback would be appreciated.


End file.
